I am puke
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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