Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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