Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I need to stop coming to work sober
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
