where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
