I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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