We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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