You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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