I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
