I bet he comes in French.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
