They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
