Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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