You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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