lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
