I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
