There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
