tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dignity is for republicans.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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