I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
