my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
