you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
