the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
