have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
