dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
