So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
