No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
