Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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