i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
