you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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