Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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