i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
