oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
