Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
