You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
