somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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