Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
