He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
