all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
