For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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