Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
