Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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