my phone needs a breathalizer
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
