Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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