we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
