i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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