Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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