The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
