New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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