I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
