I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
