Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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