wrigley field is MILF paradise
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
you would pick up someone in the library
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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